There was always something comforting when I was a kid when I had a nice, neat schedule to follow. I would get up at a set time; I would go to school for a set number of hours; I would come home and do homework and play video games and eat dinner; I would go to bed at roughly the same time. It was nice and neat and tidy. But that’s something that I lost when I graduated and started doing freelance work all the time.
Instead of someone else dictating my schedule, I’m finding that I have to dictate my own schedule at this point. It’s not something that I’m really enjoying. It’s not even something I’m kind of enjoying. Creating a schedule is probably fun for some people, but I find that I get really worried about the details. There’s so much that can change for my days and everyone seems to insist that their schedule comes before mine.
When I was in California, my schedule was dictated by my partner’s schedule. That wasn’t a bad thing; in fact, it was quite a positive experience. Instead of being stressed about when I would do things, I had things to schedule around. When was I going to pick them up? When was I dropping them off? That all factored into how I had to manage my schedule.
Getting home, I am stuck again with the impossible task of setting my schedule. I have to find a way to make sure that I am the most productive version of myself and to not worry too much about all the other things that I have to do. I have lists of chores that I have to do and lists of things I have to do for work. Finding that balancing point feels impossible right now.
Then again, it has only been a couple days since I really got back. There’s time for me to figure out my daily schedule. There’s time for me to figure myself out. For now, I’ll have to focus on the way that I want to live my life, but even figuring that out might take some time. I’m stuck at another set of personal crossroads. The only thing that I can do in the meantime is to keep writing and to keep working forward. That’s it.