There’s something nerve-wracking in packing. There’s something terrible and terrifying about how getting my things together feels. I just hate the feeling of leaving. It could’ve been a week. It could’ve been a month. I hate leaving. I hate it more than I hate anything else in life. There’s something terrible about having to walk away from everything. And it’s not like it’s everything. It’s just the parts that I loved so much. I want to stay in the places that make me happy. It doesn’t ruin the magic to leave but makes me want to stay even more.
Leaving is also about letting go. Not like letting go forever, but letting go of a moment or a person or a place for a little bit. And for me, that is the hardest part about this trip. A long distance relationship is always just impossible when it comes to the leaving part. Every time I see my partner, I dread the day I leave again. Those days of coming and going will eventually end, but it will be a while. I appreciate every second that we have together, though. And that’s why the letting go is so hard. I integrate my partner’s life into mine when we are living in the same space. It’s not like I’m dropping everything to bend to their whim, but I’m not trying to ignore their wishes either.
But those two lives together hurt when they come undone. I’ll still have work, writing, blogging, Minecraft, video games, and all sorts of other things to occupy my time, but it isn’t the same. My partner and I will be back to a world of Skyping, text messages, and phone calls. And those things are wonderful. But they aren’t always possible (since my partner is a maritime person) and they aren’t the same.
So when I get ready to leave this time, it’s not that I’m just getting ready for a three month period of not seeing my partner. I’m getting ready to live on my own again. Obviously, my partner will be there, just a phone call away, but it’s different. It’s always different.
But everything that has gotten me to this point has been great. I’m excited to keep going forward. And terrified. And I think that’s perfectly acceptable. Moving forward and getting ready to do that is always hard. It’s always scary. It’s always exciting. The amounts of feelings that come with that will change, but I think those three things are always true.
If you’re getting ready to leave, to do something new, to be somewhere else, to get to a new project, or to do anything exciting, then I want you to know that you’re not alone. Everyone is getting ready for something new, even if it’s just a slightly different version of something old.
Keep looking forward; keep moving forward; keep your heart on your goals. Know that you when you get ready for something new that things will change. Anything crappy or terrible will change. You’ll find a better future one day.